I am having an Out of Body experience

Wisdom lights up a person's face, softening it's hardness.
-Ecclesiastes 8:1

I am growing to understand that a lot of what I perceived as healthy fundamental chrisitian spirituality in fact was just that...christian spirituality but not Jesus life.

I want to be like Jesus but the more I think about it, the more I am realizing that there is so much that Jesus is and was, that simply just won't fit within most of the "christian" circles I interact in.

It's a troubling thing really to feel less like Jesus within the body of Jesus.
I guess I am having an "out of body" experience.

I long to soften but so much of what I encounter seems to produce the opposite of the "wisdom" that Solomon speaks of.
I have found that hanging around Christians often produces a lot of things that simply are not the fruit of being around God.

Here is a few habits I've picked up:

* I've grown more and more judgmental, critical and exclusive.

* I lose a heart for the lost and become more concerned about trivial issues.

* I don't like people that much.

* I major on the minors.

* I'm tired more and fruitful less.

* I get sidetracked from first things (Wife, children, Jesus).

* I hear less and less about Jesus and more and more about me.

* I talk a lot about people and less about me.

* I get good at performing.

* I am lonely in the midst of multitudes because no one really knows me, only the person they think I am.

* I am angry more...because I can't say what I want to say. I used to be able to spout off my mouth more and now, I have to bottle it all up. There were some words in the old day that summed things up real well...now I have to strain to find new ones and really they just don't do the emotions justice!

* I feel guilty a lot.
Guilty for not caring about what a lot of people care about. Guilty for not doing more. Guilty for just trying to be me and feeling that's not good enough. Guilt that I don't know more about the Bible, not being a better husband or father, for being rich, not being more holy, not reaching more people, not being more disciplined...on and on...

I don't want to become hard.
I want to soften.

I want to learn to play again like my almost 4 year old son Micah does.
When did I forget how to play anyway?

I want to find myself singing when I am not supposed to be singing like Micah does.

I want to enjoy small stuff again like a rolled up paper sword and not have to have big stuff like playstations and big churches.

I want to have "A" best friend and not have to be everybody's best friend.

I want to ride my bike again and not have to take a car, not have to rush so much.

I want to enjoy a bug as much as Micah enjoys one.

I want to savor ice cream, really like it slow.

I want to care what is written in bubble gum wrappers again, actually take the time to read it.

I want to turn to the comics page before the news page in the paper.

I want to start drawing again not because I feel I should but, because...well, just because!

I want to enjoy a song no matter who is singing it or what station it's on.

I want to go for walks again not for health but for fun.

I want to go exploring again, like we used too...everyday.

I want to skip school or work and do something I shouldn't because I can...I am a grown up now and I can write my own note dang it!

I want to have a face that is lit up again...that seems to happen less and less these days...

Wisdom, hummm...what a thought.