I don't like tests.

In fact I fail tests pretty easily.

Tests put my gut in knots.
Tests always seem to leave me feeling how dumb I was instead of how smart.
Tests were always about measuring up, always about "how good are you."
Test seemed to create an environment where one eye was on me and one on others.
Tests were about being first.
Tests were about being the best.
Tests were about me.

I got a lot of low grades in school and it made me feel like a failure, well actually I was a failure. I didn't graduate from highschool with my peers. I had to go to community college later and get my highschool diploma.

I think one of the things that impacted my life the most when Jesus revealed Himself to me, was that Jesus took the test for me.
He said I failed but He would give me His grade.
Being a poor student that sounded like a FANTASTIC DEAL!

My failures, my ignorance, my stupidity, my sin, my inability to get anything right in life didn't seem to matter with Jesus. In fact, it seemed like the more screwed up I was, them more Jesus seemed to pull me closer.

It was a mystery, it didn't fit my worldview...losers win?

Grace was a spiritual truth that wasn't a part of my life experience.
I was always getting busted, punished, left out, left behind, forgotten, abandoned.

I felt like a big fat "F."

The last thing I wanted to hear was that God was grading me!

I have spent a lot of my spiritual life trying to get an "A" to get God to like me or pat me on the back. I have wanted to be the heavenly Teachers pet. The apple of His eye by laying my little apples of good work and holy striving on His desk.

But the more I have tried to be an "A" student the more I have come to realize that I still need Jesus because I am still one who needs grace.