Wednesday, May 21, 2008

What do we lack....?


In response to my friend Mikes question...

What do we lack....?
Well...

-Plush, cool looking seating that will attract people looking to sit comfortably.

-80's rock star lights and stage that will wow them and help God woo people with style and pizzazz.

-A glass pulpit that towers above the peeps and will impress newcomers with our untraditional just pass the early 90’s modernism or a space age piano that says we are so the 2000’s chicka.

-Charisma and good hair for the pastor because being a part of the body of Christ is all about having a leader who has: image, style, trendy clothes, articulate speech, ability to inspire and never perspire (those stains are so not cool), tantalize, theologize, contextualize; and always touch us, challenge us (just not to often), smile at us, remember us, thank us continually, blow sunshine, smell good, don’t spit when you talk, shave your neck hair, drive something we can be proud of and yet...buy it cheap, work anytime-everywhere-with everyone,-for anything and do it with a smile and a skip in your step, bear everyones crap, endure anyones criticism, love all, serve all and is always there for us.

-Always convenient, multiple prayer times...for prayer changes things! But really we mean pray for all of us before God like a good priest should, because we wont really end up coming, because prayer may be important but it just isn’t important to us. But...we want to be a part of a church that prays because thats what brings ‘em in and moves the digits of God.

-Oh...use words like “digits” because that means our church is culturally relevant and that’s important because look how good and life changing culture is. We want a atmosphere that is part Extreme Home makeover, part Oprah, part Dr. Phil, part Walmart, a slice of Chucky Cheese, a smidgeon of the marines, a little like a holy mall, a small amount of hollywood, no cheese, comfortable like a grandmas hug but hip like the newest American Idol.

-a new building with state of the art sound...because God must be heard in digital, dolby, podcasted glory...not on Sunday at a specific place with a chosen people with faces but 24-7 on trendy cd’s with sharp looking, marketable cases and please digitize it fast and furious into formats that can be accessed and downloaded anytime by anyone who chooses to sleep in on Sunday inorder to hit the lake, the green or the movies...because hey, its all about the message right and why go if I can download?

-A ministry for everyone...droolers & poopers, kneebiters & figiters, the weeners & tweeners club, Teens both the good ones and the bad ones but just keep them away from each other and if you don’t it’s ok....we got a teen parent ministry or an adoption group...don’t forget the divorced, the second, third, fourth or never married ministry, then there’s the addicts who oogle & google, the drinkers, smokers, the snorters and mainliners, the gamers and gag & pukers or starve myself group, the abusers and abused...the blind, the crippled, the starving aids patients in Zimbabwe, the prisoners, the homeless, the uneducated and unemployed, a ministry for all languages and don’t for get the elderly, the nursing homes, the laundry mats, the hotel rooms that need bibles, the abortion clinics that need picketed, the schools that are teaching our kids to become homosexual atheists who wont learn anything because they were never home schooled by urban-rural organic eating, bike riding, eco-friendly, buying local, smoke free-ddt free-fat free-oil free parents who need like-minded people to judge and be judged by regularly at some early morning mom’s group that is for the perfectly eye brow plucked, tight butted, no tummy I work out for 6 hours a day before anyone gets up, collagen enhanced, crossover driving, latte sipping mommies group that will pray for the kids that need prayer put back into school but wont volunteer for anything they are too busy to serve group.


-Leader's who will give it all, including family, money and health. Because remember its better to burn out than fade out.

-A staff that will do everything and be everyone for all and who will do it for free.

-The best, the latest, the hottest, the edgyist, the most fresh, the prettiest, the most talented, the whatever is on the cutting edge of whatever is perceived as what God is doing stuff.

-Lots of young ladies to choose to marry or date chronically until we all feel like an inbred, broken and used “christian” hillbilly clan.

-Tons of eligible young men to flirt with, tease, pressure to become men, psychologically belittle as carnal, unspiritual knuckle draggers with crotches that are on fire, that must marry or live with the demon of desire in their weak minds.

-We lack real godly mothers who will sacrifice all they are on the altar of motherhood, ministry, wifehood, “extra-income-second or third job helpmate”, women who will be treated like spiritual mules who do all the work but get none of the glory. We need ladies who will do it all and make the men look good. Gals who will cook for us, clean for us, bed us, make us more money, take care of themselves for us, follow us, serve us and submit to us, never challenge us, don’t talk to much in church to us, sexy babes who nobody else notices, bible trophy wives with Proverbs 31 tattooed right under their still perky after 6 children, 41 year old christian mother boobs.

In the end thats some of the stuff we need to become those churches that TAKE OUR CITIES FOR GOOOOOOODAH!!!
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